


OIE BOIE!

by andabatae



Series: One-Shots and Drabbles [8]
Category: Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Play, Awkward First Times, Awkward Sexual Situations, Bad Dirty Talk, Ben Solo Cries During Sex, Ben Solo eats ass but only by accident, Ben Solo seeks sexual inspiration in the worst place, Blow Jobs, Comedy, Crack, Cunnilingus, Doggy Style, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Gungan Dirty Talk, Humor, I am so sorry, Inspired by a truly nightmarish piece of Gungan/Dug erotic artwork, Loss of Virginity, Pornographic holograms are not a good source of sex advice, Rimming, Smut, So do we in this case, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, Virgin Ben Solo, canonverse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-23
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2020-09-24 21:47:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20365612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andabatae/pseuds/andabatae
Summary: Ben Solo is a virgin and has only seen one pornographic holo in his life: an M/M Gungan/Dug porno. When Rey asks him to have sex with her, he uses what he learned from it as a guide to make sure he says and does the right things.





	OIE BOIE!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kaybohls](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaybohls/gifts).

> I am sorry but also not sorry for this horrifying piece of crack fiction. Basically, I was on the internet and found a truly terrifying piece of erotic Gungan/Dug artwork that made me laugh but also want to gouge my eyes out. Sooooo it had to become a Reylo fic, right???
> 
> The main ship is still Reylo—any references to Gungan/Dug intercourse is in context of Ben trying to remember what he learned from the holo.
> 
> I'll link to the artwork in the end notes, but be aware it is Very. Very. Explicit. and cannot be unseen.
> 
> Thank you so much to the wonderful [kaybohls](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaybohls) for betaing, making that exquisite moodboard, and screaming OIE BOIE! at me over chat. I have laughed so, so much this week, all thanks to you (and Jar Jar).

Ben Solo was nervous.

No, scratch that, he was_ terrified_.

He’d once ruled the galaxy with an iron fist. He’d faced down his abusive master, then slain an immortal Sith lord. He’d died and been resurrected by his grandfather’s Force ghost. He’d suffered through months of therapy to come to terms with the crimes of his past, including killing his own father, abducting and torturing the love of his life, and generally being the universe’s biggest dick.

And now, at the age of thirty-three, Ben Solo was facing his greatest challenge yet.

Rey wanted to have sex.

With him, specifically.

Ben might be a big dick, and he might have a big dick, but he had no idea how to use said dick. The only pornography he’d been able to sneak while at Luke’s Jedi Temple was an M/M Gungan/Dug holo, and after that, he’d been too busy suffering and chopping things up to find a replacement. As a result, the only sexual example he had involved floppy ears, confusingly textured penises, and one alarmingly long tongue.

Ben didn’t have an alarmingly long tongue. He had what he was reasonably sure was a normal, human-sized tongue, but what if Rey was expecting more? Would she be dismayed by Ben’s small, pink tongue and the fairly smooth texture of his dick?

Rey was coming over in an hour; he didn’t have time to pick up a new holo for research. Instead, Ben watched the worn-out Gungan/Dug holo again and again, trying to pick up any tricks that might help him pleasure Rey. She wouldn’t have a penis, but surely, most other things were universal.

“Do yousa like what meesa be doing?” he mouthed along with the Gungan as it railed the Dug from behind. His dick twitched in confused interest.

If he was supposed to pleasure Rey in an hour, he might as well take the edge off now, right?

Ben fished his dick out of his pants and started pumping. “Oie boie!” he recited with the holo. “Mesa maken messen.”

#

Undressing Rey wasn’t so bad.

Not in terms of the actual activity, which was, unquestionably, the best experience of Ben Solo’s life. The not-so-bad part had to do with his nerves, which had been humming like a swarm of angry bees for the last few hours. Thankfully, undressing Rey was something Ben was fairly confident he could do, being a wearer of human clothing himself.

Still, his hands trembled as he unwrapped the garments veiling Rey’s body as she lay on the bed before him. “Yousa—” He cleared his throat. “You’re so beautiful, Rey.”

She smiled up at him, and, just like every other time, it was like the sun breaking over the horizon. Ben was mesmerized by her smile, unable to even look at her exposed breasts or… well, he didn’t actually have a word for that other part.

“You’re very handsome,” she said in return. “Can you take your clothes off?”

“Oh! Yes.” Ben stripped his shirt off, then paused with his fingers on the waistband of his pants. “You won’t… you won’t be disappointed?”

Rey had been hungrily staring at his exposed chest, but at his words, her forehead furrowed. “Why would I be disappointed? I can’t wait to see you naked.”

He swallowed hard, then nodded and started undoing the buttons lining his fly. “Just… It doesn’t have any interesting bumps or anything. Well, other than this bit at the top…” He shook his head. “Never mind, you should probably just look at it.”

He shucked his pants and undergarments, then stood with his eyes squeezed shut, waiting for her judgment.

“Oh.”

Ben was dying. How was he supposed to interpret that breathy exhalation? “Rey, I am so, so sorry—”

“Ben,” she said, and then he felt the most magnificent sensation—her fingertips brushing his erection. Ben made a mewling noise, and his hips jerked forward. “Oh, Ben, this is perfect. Why did you think it wasn’t?”

He still couldn’t bear to look at her. “It doesn’t look like the dicks in porn,” he managed to grit out.

Rey laughed, clear as a bell, and that was enough to convince Ben to open his eyes again. She was grinning up at him, looking radiant and happy and _ holyshitsonaked _ and—

“The dicks in porn are unrealistic,” she told him, gripping his cock and gently pumping up and down. “You shouldn’t compare yourself to them. Although,” she said consideringly, staring at his erection, “you’re honestly pretty close.”

Ben made a strangled noise. “But it’s too smooth, and it isn’t purple—”

Rey’s mouth opened around the tip of his dick, and Ben was abruptly incapable of speech. She slid down a few inches, then bobbed back up, looking up at him from beneath her lashes. He whimpered, fairly sure he was about to combust.

He thought back to the holo, which he’d watched on loop in a frantic effort to absorb as much practical information as possible. The Dug had sucked the Gungan’s dick, too, and thinking about that thankfully helped postpone the orgasm that was already barreling down on him. He’d jerked off to that porn an hour ago out of necessity, not personal preference, and when he’d discovered it as a teenager, he’d been at a stage in his life where he’d jerked off to literally anything that reminded him of sex, including a suggestively shaped rock and his own lightsaber.

What came after the dick sucking? Ben was pretty sure there was a protocol to this, some order the act was meant to go in. The Gungan had blown his load all over the Dug’s face, but maybe Rey wanted to blow her load on his face first. Perhaps he should offer to lick her genitals.

But this was where his tongue insecurity came in. How was he supposed to fully penetrate Rey’s ass with his meager, human-sized tongue?

Rey took his dick all the way to the back of her throat, and Ben moaned. “Rey, you have to stop, or I’m going to come.”

Undeterred, she kept going, wrapping her hand around the base and tugging while she sucked eagerly. It felt amazing, and relief washed over him. The porno had guided him correctly, after all. Ben was _ supposed _ to come all over Rey’s face first.

He was climbing towards the pinnacle, his balls tightening in preparation for release. At the last possible second, he pressed Rey’s forehead to push her off his dick. He orgasmed with a series of broken shouts, pumping ropes of milky-white cum all over her face.

“What the—” Rey scrambled back, toppling over on the bed. “My eye! It’s in my eye! Why did you do that?”

Ben sighed happily. “Meesa maken messen,” he explained.

“What?” Rey shook her head, then scrambled off the bed. “I need to wash this off. Kriff, Ben, what were you thinking?”

This wasn’t the pleased reaction he’d expected. The Dug had rubbed the Gungan’s cum into his skin with his feet and bragged about what a dirty boy he was, but Rey was bent over the sink, furiously splashing water into her eyes.

Ben approached her hesitantly. “I’m sorry,” he said. “Did I do it wrong?”

She whipped around, glaring at him. “You can’t just come on someone’s face without permission.”

“Oh.” He ducked his head in contrition. “I’m sorry. I thought that was how it was supposed to go.”

“Supposed to... Ben, you have done this before, right?”

“Uh…” He looked around the room, wondering if there was anywhere he could hide. Being a virgin at his age was embarrassing. “No? But I have done research,” he rushed to assure her. “I’ll still be able to pleasure you, I’m sure of it.”

She was staring at him with her jaw dropped, and oh Force, this was it, the end of all his hopes and dreams. Ben dropped to his knees and clasped his hands at his chest. “Please,” he begged her. “Please let me prove it to you. I’ll take care of you, I promise.”

Her face softened, and she reached out to cup his cheek. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I didn’t think you’d want a virgin. I thought you’d want someone experienced.”

She shook her head and laughed. “You truly are a colossal idiot sometimes. I want_ you_, Ben, whether or not you’ve had sex before. I just need you to warn me before you do things like come in my eye.”

“Oh.” He surged to his feet and wrapped her in his arms. “Sorry. Of course.” The porno hadn’t lied, then—it was just that Rey wanted him to narrate what he was doing. Thankfully, the holo had provided him with the appropriate dialogue for the rest of tonight’s activities.

Her breasts were pressed against him, and Force, she was so soft. Ben’s cock was still limp from his orgasm, but he was fairly sure that could be rectified in short order. “I’m going to stick my tongue inside you now,” he informed her.

Or at least, die trying.

She shivered. “That sounds good.”

Moments later, Ben was in bed with Rey, propped on his elbows between her legs and staring at decidedly unfamiliar territory. He hadn’t guessed there would be so many folds and fiddly bits. He gently poked around, trying to get acquainted with all the components.

“Maybe stroke, instead of jab,” she suggested.

Ah, of course. The holo had shown stroking, too. Ben tried it out, trailing his fingers over her. There was an intriguing amount of wetness between her legs, and it seemed to be natural, unlike the lubrication the Gungan had used, although the location of the lubrication was different.

Well, that was what his tongue was for. He could get her other hole properly lubed up. Or perhaps she would produce liquid there, too?

There was only one way to find out. He hoisted her legs over his shoulders, tilted her hips up, and dove in.

Rey jerked. “Ben, what—?”

Hm, this wasn’t as easy as it had looked in the holo. She was really tight back there, and he could only get the very tip of his tongue slightly in. Undeterred, he kept pushing, trying to shove it further inside.

Rey was wriggling and making shocked noises, which he was pretty sure was a good sign. He clutched her tightly so she couldn’t squirm away, determinedly jabbing away at her hole with his tongue. Eventually, surely, it would have to yield to him.

“Ben, _ what _are you doing?” Rey demanded, fisting a hand in his hair to jerk his face away from her.

Ben’s stomach sank. He knew the tongue thing would be an issue. “I’m so sorry,” he said, close to tears. “My tongue—it just isn’t long enough. I’ll look up some exercises to stretch it out, I promise.”

Rey’s look of sheer horror broke him, and the tears overflowed. Ben sobbed into her inner thigh, hating everything about his stupid, inadequate body.

“Whoa, whoa.” Rey sat up. “Why are you crying?”

“I told you,” he said, burying his face in the sheets so he wouldn’t have to see her disgust. “I know you’re disappointed by my tongue. I feel like such a freak. This is just the way it’s always been, and I didn’t realize it was wrong until I started researching…”

There was a long pause. “Ben,” Rey said at last, “what sort of research have you been doing?”

He shook his head, not wanting to confess that even his research had been limited.

“Look at me,” Rey commanded.

Ben gathered his courage and met her gaze. She looked confused but also sympathetic. “You don’t need to pity me,” he grumbled. “I’ll just… buy a tongue extension or something.”

“Your tongue is the perfect length,” she said soothingly. “Honestly, any more would be alarming.”

He perked up. “Really? Because in this holo I watched—”

“_Oh_.” Understanding crossed her face. “I told you, Ben, pornography sets unrealistic standards. Most men don’t have super agile tongues or monster cocks or whatever you’re worried about—although your dick is pretty monstrous, to be honest. Just like I don’t have huge breasts or whatever else you saw.”

More like floppy ears and claws, but he understood the point she was making. “Your breasts are perfect,” he said vehemently. “Everything about you is perfect.”

Rey grinned, and Ben abruptly felt much better. “That’s how I feel about you. So come on, let’s try this again.” She lay back down, hooking her legs over his shoulders.

Ben wiped the tears off his cheeks. “Okay.” He took a deep breath and plunged back in, sticking his tongue out to poke at her puckered hole again.

Rey giggled and shifted a little. “Um, that feels surprisingly nice, but let’s try something else.” She tugged on his hair, guiding him up to her other hole, the wet one. “Try licking here. And here.” Her finger circled a little pink bud just above her slit.

It wasn’t what Ben had seen in his research, but then again, she wasn’t built like a Gungan or a Dug—and thank the Force for that. He dutifully started prodding her other hole and was amazed when his tongue slid right in. Maybe his tongue was adequate, after all?

Through trial and error—and with a lot of instruction from Rey—Ben eventually settled on licking the nub she’d told him was called her clitoris while sliding his fingers in and out of her wet hole. “What’s this called?” he asked, wondering if it had a name.

“Wh-what?” Rey seemed distracted. She was making extremely gratifying sounds as his tongue danced over her.

“This.” He tapped his fingers inside her. “The wet part.”

“Ah!” Rey shot up, gripping his hair and grinding against his face. “Do that again.”

“This?” He crooked his fingers again, and she groaned loudly.

Huh. This spot must be her prostate. He knew that word because the Dug had shrieked about the Gungan’s ‘slimy, protuberant tongue’ working his prostate just right. Ben kept massaging the spot, which had a slightly spongy texture.

“The… the wet… oh, R’iia.” Rey moaned. “The wet part is my vagina.” She peered down at him with a furrowed brow. “Did they not teach you any of this stuff growing up?”

“I was educated by Luke Skywalker—what do you think?”

She laughed. “Good point.” The laugh became a moan as he pressed harder against her prostate. “Oh, Ben, that’s so good. Keep going, yes, right there, just like that—” She gasped and arched her back, her legs quivering around Ben’s head while her vagina squeezed his fingers.

She gently pushed his head away. “Thank you. That was amazing.”

He frowned. “But you didn’t come.”

“What?” She blinked at him. “I did. Just now.”

“But you didn’t come on my face.” He ought to have gobs of purple semen all over him right now.

She groaned. “Oh, no, you watched a squirting holo, didn’t you? Not all women do that. I promise I orgasmed.”

“Ah. Yousa nosa maken messen.” He nodded. “Okay, if you say so.”

“What—” Whatever Rey was about to ask was cut off as Ben flipped her over onto her stomach.

He was grateful the holo had taught him what to say in the bedroom; otherwise, he might have made a fool of himself. “Time for wesa fuck!” he announced. His dick was hard again, thanks to the feast he’d just enjoyed, and he couldn’t wait to stick it inside her repeatedly.

“Uh… okay.” Rey propped herself on her hands and knees and looked over her shoulder at him. “You want it in this position for your first time?”

He chuckled. What other position was there? “I like when you tease me,” he said, kissing one of her perfect ass cheeks, then the other. “Of course I want to do it in this position.”

She bit her lip and grinned. “You’re a bit naughty, Ben Solo. Well, I won’t lie and say I haven’t fantasized about this.” Her eyes were sparkling, her skin flushed, and Ben couldn’t wait to experience her gorgeous body from the inside. She faced forward and spread her legs wider. “Come on, then. Let’s do it.”

He gripped his dick and guided it between her legs, trembling with nerves and anticipation. This was finally happening, after years of fantasies.

He fitted himself to her hole and pushed.

Rey yelped and scrambled forward. “Wrong hole, Ben!”

Panic seized his throat. “It is?” He’d studied this particular shot of the holo at length, making sure he had the angle and mechanics down right, and the Gungan had definitely put his dick in that hole. “But this is the bombad litta bitty hole.”

Rey huffed. “Okay, we need to buy you some more vanilla porn. You don’t jump straight into anal with no prep. Here.” She reached back to grab his dick, then guided it to the entrance of her vagina. “Put it here.”

He was skeptical, but if she said that was where it should go, he would put it there. Maybe she would like the way it felt against her prostate. He nudged his hips forward, and her flesh parted around him. “Ohhhhh” he said as his dick was gloved in wet, silky skin. “I get it now.”

“Fuck, you’re big,” Rey said as he slid all the way in.

His heart thrilled at recognizing dialogue from the holo. They were on the same page again! “Yousa ganna take it,” he said, just like the Gungan had. He gripped her hips and bucked into her once, hard. “Mesa litta bitty cum slut.”

“Ben, what in R’iia’s name are you saying?” She looked over her shoulder at him. “Did you seriously just call me a cum slut?”

He couldn’t think with her vagina so hot and tight around his dick. It felt like paradise. “Uhh…”

She shook her head. “That fucking porno again,” she muttered. “Just call me Rey, please.”

Ben might have been a galactic tyrant in the past, but now he was fully capable of accommodating his partner’s needs and wants. “Okay.” He pulled out and pushed back in on a groan. “Rey, yousa so tight. _ Fuck_.”

This was the best experience of Ben’s life. The love of his life was naked on her hands and knees in front of him, and he was sticking his dick in her repeatedly while telling her how much he liked it. Sure, it was her vagina, not her bombad litta bitty hole, but it felt better than he’d ever imagined. He thrust faster, gripping her hips for leverage.

Rey moaned. “R’iia, it’s so good.”

“Berry bombad fucken,” he gasped in agreement. “_Force_, I love this, mesa cum-sl… Rey.”

“Ben.” She sounded as out-of-breath as he did. “Please don’t stop fucking me, but... you’re saying some pretty weird things.”

“Like what?” He bucked harder, then remembered a detail he’d forgotten. He reached around her hips, and since Rey didn’t have the Dug’s bumpy purple dick, he settled for rubbing her clitoris.

“Yes!” She jerked back against him. “Fuck, never mind. Just keep going.”

Ben was about to lose it, but if this went according to standard procedure, she ought to orgasm soon, at which point he would be free to pull out and shoot cum all over her back.

But wait, she’d said she didn’t want to be sprayed with cum without warning. Fuck, this was too much to think about, and Ben really didn’t think he could pull out long enough to come, anyway. He was addicted to the feel of her hot, wet hole clasping him, and maybe that meant he wasn’t doing sex right, but he couldn’t stop.

“Rey, mesa gonna—”

At that moment, her vagina spasmed around him, and she screamed his name. Thank the Force, she was coming, which meant it was his turn.

“Rey, Rey, Rey…” His rhythm stuttered, and he tipped over the edge. As the orgasm of a lifetime ripped through him, launching his soul out of his dick along with his cum, he shouted his pleasure at the top of his lungs. "**OIE BOIE!**"

Afterward, they lay together in a tangle of limbs. Rey’s head rested on his shoulder, and she was tracing little patterns on his chest. Ben was happier than he could ever remember being, and he owed it all to M/M Gungan/Dug pornography.

“Ben,” Rey said after a long silence.

“Yes?”

“What the fuck was that?”

**Author's Note:**

> Welp. There it is. Some sweet, sweet, cringeworthy crack.
> 
> Did you laugh? Do you hate me now? Please don't hate me, I'm going to be updating my actually sexy fics soon.
> 
> And because I know some of you will want to see this...
> 
> EXPLICIT CONTENT WARNING
> 
> [The Jar Jar Binks/Sebulba pornography of your nightmares.](http://i.imgur.com/fz43z.jpg)
> 
> I REPEAT, IT IS EXPLICIT. IT IS NSFW. IT IS NSFL. JAR JAR BINKS AND SEBULBA ARE NAKED IN IT AND ENGAGED IN EROTIC ACTIVITIES. DON'T COME AT ME IN THE COMMENTS COMPLAINING THAT YOU WEREN'T ADEQUATELY WARNED.


End file.
